...you change your name to Gertrude.

I feel more comfortable sharing my personal life on here rather than on Facebook, particularly since the audience is significantly smaller.  I feel like a blog is more of a journal anyway...which is why I'm going to pour out my deep thoughts here for my seven followers to sift through.

Almost a year ago, I left for college at BYU-Idaho, leaving behind a great guy.  Jake, being the wonderful person that he is, left for a mission a month after I left for school. We were both each other's first loves and hadn't seriously dated anyone else, so consequently, we both had talked about and planned on me waiting for him while he was on his mission.  My family and some of my friends counselled me against it, but since I was a teenager and knew everything, I didn't listen.

It's kind of funny how things turned out.  I would watch The Best Two Years before Jacob left and think about how selfish the missionaries' girlfriends (and essentially all Dear Johners) were.  How could they completely forget the person they pledged their life to?  Why are they throwing away years of dating for a sleazy RM they met three weeks ago?  Two years isn't that long.  I'm going to be able to do it.  Easy-peasy.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen...

I was doing fine with waiting for the first month of Elder Siler's mission...then my sleazy RM came along. ("Sleazy" isn't a good word at all to describe Eric.  "Persistent" would be better.) He swept me off my feet with his charismatic and wily charm (that's a story for a different post and another day), and before I knew it, we were dating.

When I returned home for the break, I knew that I had a major decision to make.  I could keep waiting for Jake and hope that he would forgive me for what, at the time, seemed like just a "fling" with Eric, or I could write him off, join the dreaded Dear Johner club I despised only months before, and date other people.  I honestly was planning on the former.  After all, I had invested a good three years with Jake.  Why throw it away on a person I dated for a month?  But my thinking changed.  I kept in touch with Eric over my break.  We talked, skyped, and texted the entire four months.  In fact, there wasn't a day that we didn't contact each other in some way.  The more I talked to the kid, the more I realized he was going to be more than just a fling.  I really started liking him...a lot.

And so, being the selfish young lady that I am, I wrote Elder Siler off.

Lately, the question I've hated hearing is "So how are you and Jake?" Well, I'm doing fine, but he's suffering from a broken heart because I decided to dump him.  Thanks for asking.

I hate that I've hurt him.  The guilt of it all has been tough.  Last semester while zoning off in my Shakespeare class (Henry IV:  Part I didn't excite me at the time), I was skimming through Hamlet when I thought, Oh. My. Goodness.  I'm Gertrude.  When her husband died, she only mourned for one month before she found her new main squeeze.  Jacob didn't die (obviously), but he was only gone for one month before I moved on.  "Frailty, thy name is woman Emily."

Sometimes I find myself nit-picking Jacob's flaws in my head, but then I stop myself and wonder why I'm thinking this way about a very good person.  I think it may be my coping mechanism.  If I feel like he is a worse person than he really is, I won't feel as guilty.  I've been trying to get into the habit of thinking in a different way though.  When the guilt comes, as it does daily, I think to myself, Self, it will all work out.  He'll find someone that will be better and will make him happier.  Then, you won't feel so guilty.  Is it weird that I actually hope this?  Elder Siler is still one my closest friends.  I still care for him, and I want him to be happy...even happier than he was with me.

I feel guilt for my decision everyday, but I don't feel regret.  I only regret getting serious with him before his mission.  A whole world of hurt could have been avoided. What makes me feel better about the situation is that I'm no longer distracting him from the work he needs to be doing.  He can now focus completely on his mission.

The moral of the story:  Admitting you're a hypocrite is part of life.  I never expected to Dear John a missionary, but I'm going to take this experience and make the most of it (as cliche as that is).  When faced with circumstances in life, you always have a choice:  to get stuck or to move on.

...you run like heck.

For a class that I took this spring, I had to exercise three to five times a week.  I decided to focus mainly on running.  I made it my main goal to be able to run up the hill in Rexburg that the temple is on.


Sadly, it took me a while, but once I made it all the way up without stopping, I decided to go onto bigger and better goals, such as being able to run a 5K.  Well, I made it!  Looking back, it's crazy that I used to think it was a big deal to be able to run a mile without breaking.  Now, I don't feel like I've had a good enough workout unless I do at least three miles...with hills.



This has to be the worst photo of me (especially since I'm showing off my Relief Society arms...I mean, guns), but I feel accomplished looking at it. A few weeks ago, I particpated in the Hurdles for Hope race.  Because it was an "extreme" race (furnished with a mud pit, army crawl, and river), I only did the 3K.  Even with the short distance, it was intense.  I'm proud of how I did, nonetheless.  I'm proud of how far I've gotten in my running ability and endurance.


Ok, bragging over.

...you keep it chill.

My music keeps me sane.

It seems like with all of my classes this track, I can barely keep up with assignments.  It's impossible to keep up with readings.  I wake up around 6:30 every morning to spend two hours studying before my first class.  From then on out, until 11:00 at night, I only spend a few hours of the day (if I'm lucky...or procrastinating) not in class or preparing for class.

I have found a very useful technique to keep from screaming right here in the middle of the library. (Ha, like blogging is going to help my stress level.)  I've made a playlist on my iTunes called "Relaxation."  92.6% (rough estimate...it may be wrong.  I'm an English, not a math, major.) of the songs are instrumental hymns.  It's amazing how much more I'm able to accomplish when I feel peaceful and relaxed.

The past month has given me a new respect to my parents.  For most of my childhood, they were in school, working, and dealing with their four crazy chitlins.  Now, I'm having a hard time being just a student with only myself to deal with.  How they were able to handle all of life and school is beyond me.