...you throw them back at life in frustration! And then type whatever comes to mind.

Life for the lucky is stunningly  clear.  Life for the rest of us suckers is stunningly ambiguous.

...but that's what makes it real.  In a way, it's how we can look at our surroundings and not have to pinch ourselves to know whether we're alive or not.

What exactly constitutes someone as being "alive"?  Medically speaking, anyone with a heartbeat is alive...but on a deeper level, is it just that?  Where exactly is that deeper level?

Want to know my thoughts?  Of course you do!

Being alive is being active.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said in "The American Scholar", "The one thing in the world, of value, is the active soul. This every man is entitled to; this every man contains within him..."

The active soul...the active mind...the active heart...

Exercising agency goes with not only things of the gospel but also learning and thinking.  It's a matter of acting versus being acted on.  Inspiration comes through action, though the creation of thought, and the active soul is constantly in tune for inspiration.

Inspiration isn't only for religious matters, so why do we only seek for the help of the Spirit in our sacred studies?  Hasn't God commanded us to gain knowledge in anything "lovely, virtuous, of good report, and praiseworth"?  I've started making it a habit to ask for inspiration and enlightenment in all of my studies, to ask for a desire to learn.  I'm amazed at how my views and my attitude towards learning has done a complete 180 turn.

I now keep a "thought journal."  I value it above my normal journal.  In it, I keep the only things I have private in this crazy world, my thoughts.  When I have a "noble impulse," as sweet Camilla Kimball described inspiration, I write it down.

My little band of followers (Hi, mom.), I will give you the opportunity and reading one such impulse.

4-25-12
During FDEnglish201:  As I see, recognize, and value the beauty around me--in words, in art, in nature--I see more beauty in myself.  


When I see God's creation, see what beauty He gave them, I am more able to look in the mirror and see what beauty He gave me.

I've matured...but I'm still immature.  I see that.  I see that I have no opinion in most clear-cut and uncertain things in life. Life is complicated.

...but that's what makes life beautiful.

...you balance it out with a happy post.

I don't want to be a Debby-downer all the time, so I'll do a happy post to balance out that last, angsty one. Opposition in all things, right?
I will now proceed to list 15 things that make me happy/smile/want to melt (not necessarily in any particular order).

Let's start with the basics...

1.  My Heavenly Father and My Savior.  The two greatest people who love and support me (in my good efforts) like no one else.

2.  My Family (Maggie included).  They drive me crazy when I'm around them, but when I get breaks away from them, I miss them like crazy.  Either way, they're crazy.

3.  Studying the scriptures...actually getting into them and enjoying them.

4.  Chocolate.  Specifically dark.  I love the way dark chocolate snaps when you break it...because I'm odd like that.

Now for the less general and less common items...

5.  Fuzzy socks.

6.  Climbing into a freshly made bed. There are very few things that make me happier.

7.  Getting a letter in the mail. I'm old school in a lot of my ways.

8.  Outrageously cheesy romance scenes...happening to me.  I dream of spontaneously dancing in the rain or being passionately kissed after an argument about love (thank you, It's a Wonderful Life).

9.  Domestically cultivating myself.  I would have never, NEVER said this even just a year ago, but I feel somewhat accomplished when I learn a new skill.  I've been surprising my family with what I can do food-wise (which isn't much now, but much better than what I was able to do before I was forced to cook for myself).

10. Pearls.  Pearls are this girl's best friend.

11.  High fives.  Gotta love the awkwardness that comes with them.

12.  Going to the temple.  I'd sit in the temple in Rexburg during a hectic week and not let time or homework bother me.  So relaxing and uplifting...I miss it.

13.  Late night conversations.  And I mean late...

14.  Little towns.  I'm not a big city person at all.  Even Fort Smith annoys me sometimes.  Just give me a town with a Walmart, gas station, and frozen yogurt shop, and I'll call it "home".

15.  The way my parents love each other.  If the best thing a dad can do for his daughter is love her mother, then my dad deserves a "#1 Dad" mug, t-shirt, and hat.  (I'm sure he has at least one of those things somewhere).  The same goes for my mom.   I think the reason they're still in love is because they make each other's comforts their main concern.  I want that, but I won't admit it to them because it's sick when they publicly display their affection.

...you want to be beautiful.

Some days, I look in the mirror and wish desperately I could like the reflection.  But most days I don't.  My birthday wish was to feel beautiful.  I even prayed for it.

I look back at my earlier teenage years (I'm in my last one!), and realize, though, that I have come a long way.  It's weird putting all this up here because I've never talked to someone about it in such detail...but whatevs.

When I began junior high, it got to the point to where I refused to look into mirrors.  I was 5'4", 120 pounds (a completely reasonable size, right?), but I thought that I was the fattest person at my school.  I really, truly did.  I hid behind jackets and sweatshirts.  I kept my frizzy hair in a tight ponytail because I felt like it was helpless.  I had horrible acne, and I swear, no one else in my school had any.  It doesn't make sense with all of us starting puberty at that age, but where ever I looked, I only saw flawless skin.  I let what those flawless-skinned-freaks-of-nature would say to me sink in too much.

During high school, it got a little bit better.  I didn't feel like I was the biggest person in my class, but I did feel like I needed to lose 20 pounds.  I still had the acne, but I could look in a mirror...until someone prettier came into the restroom.  I had a boyfriend who would sometimes tell me I was beautiful.  I would believe it, but not much later, I'd be back in my low self-esteem rut.  It's like how Claire from Elizabethtown puts it.  Compliments like that are ice cream cones.  "Something sweet that melts in five minutes."

When I started my first semester of college at BYU-Idaho in September, I was still in the basic mindset as I was in high school.  However, I gained wonderful friends there who were constantly telling me I looked nice and constantly pointing out my good qualities.  I met a guy who somehow thought I was cute, so I quickly snatched him up.  He was another that made me feel like maybe I was at least okay-looking.

I came back to Arkansas in December.  All the feelings of high school have come back in a very bitter bite of nostalgia.  I have no classes, no job, and only a few friends, thus all the time in the world to selfishly dwell on myself.  (I realize that's not my only option, so I'm working on spending that time more wisely.)

So is the key to feeling beautiful having people tell you that you are?  If it is, life sucks even more.  I want to feel beautiful without having to rely on others.  I want to feel like I'm worth something without having someone to tell me that I am.  I'm basically an adult now, an independent person (in only a few ways...but independent, nonetheless).  Why should I have to depend on others to be happy?  It just doesn't make sense.

That's what has been on my mind lately.  I wonder what exactly is considered beautiful.  I almost want to do a survey of what people honestly think, not the "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder," or "Everyone is beautiful in their own way," crap.  Real, honest answers.

I've been on this beauty-kick for a while now.  I've even gotten to the point to where I look up conference talks about beauty.  They say we (mostly talking to women) need to learn to accept and love ourselves, but how that is achieved is beyond me.  What do I need to do to look into the mirror and be able to tell myself that I am beautiful and believe it for longer than an ice cream cone's worth of time?

Maybe someday I'll find the answer.

{Disclaimer:  This is not a call for compliments.  This is me venting.  Nothing else.}

...you're going to be great.

I'm not grown up completely, but I'm a grown up.   Makes no and absolute sense.  I love and hate paradoxes. 
Labor Day was my last day as a completely dependent kid.  As I was walking away after saying a tearful goodbye to my dad in front of the Hart (the location has nothing to do with the story...but I'll add it because I can), I realized that whether or not I was ready, I was officially a grown up at that moment.  I'm no longer dependent on my parents for opinions, for food, or for money. 
I'm learning to live by and love a budget or starve. 
I'm learning that the world is a crappy and wonderful place (okay, I already knew that...who doesn't?).  I'm learning that to think for myself, form my own conclusions of life or suffer blindly from the Ophelia syndrome. 
I'm learning that ramen can be prepared 101 ways. 
I'm learning the difference between needs and wants.  I live by the motto "Use it up. Wear it out.  Make it do, or do without". 
I'm learning to be much more grateful for all the cushiony things my parents gave me that I can't afford now. 
I'm learning that I love my family much more than I realized, even my siblings. 
I'm learning to forgive...myself.
I'm learning to love the person in the mirror (learning here=still working on it, but doing much better).
I'm learning that new clothes aren't needed to keep up with the latest styles, just a new way of putting old clothes together (has nothing to do with growing up, but I'm very proud of myself for realizing this and how pitiful I used to dress).
I'm learning that my mom can be my best friend.
I'm learning to have patience with people and waiting.
I'm learning that I will never be completely independent because I so need my Savior.
I'm a lot like my dad when it comes to emotions.  We both like to hide them (at least the negative ones) and are almost ashamed when we let others see how we truly feel.  I guess we're both proud in that aspect.  When I was hugging him and my old life goodbye, he told me "You're going to be great."  We both started to tear up and finished up quickly at that first sign of emotion.  I don't know if I will be, but having his support in my first bite of real life has been so wonderful.  I do this thing where whenever I think of a person, I think of something they've said to me.  For him, it's "You're going to be great." I imagine that God told us all that before we left his presence to come to earth.  We all have the potential to make something of ourselves, to be great.  I love my parents so much and am so grateful for their love and encouragement that they give me. 

...you gain tidbits of inspiration.

A little bit of religious thinking that came to me during Sunday school yesterday...I call it the "Comfort Train."

2 Cor. 1:3-5
4.  Who comforteth us in all our tribulation that we may be able to comfort them which are in trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

This scripture is very dear and has sooo much meaning to me from past experiences.  Here's  the thought...
We are supposed to become like Christ.  Christ suffered through everything we suffer and knows exactly how we feel and comforts us.  I believe we often receive trails not only for our own good but also to gain empathy for others' afflictions (obviously we'll never have as much empathy as He does).  We suffer similar experiences as others so we can comfort them as Christ suffered everything imaginable and comforts all of us.  Does that make sense?  What I'm trying to say is that life is made up of "comfort trains."  Christ went through all...He comforts us as we go through trials...we see someone in the same place we were in earlier and we can comfort them.  So on, so forth. I feel like I'm rambling and not making much sense, but in my head it seems perfect.  Maybe it's not such a great thought, but I was able to see the scripture yesterday in a new light.