...you declare a major.

Yep.  I did it.  B.A. in English Education.  I'm not entirely sure it's what I want, but I'm taking this leap of faith and going for it.  If I end up hating it, I can always change my major.
I decided to go into English education because...

• I want to go into something that I can do while simultaneously raising a family.
• I decided that I would rather stay at BYU-Idaho for a full four-year degree than stick with my original plan. I was planning on only doing a two-year degree and then returning to Arkansas, but I'd go crazy if I stayed here during this time in my life.
• I tried to pick something that I love/will possibly learn to love.  While helping me figure out what I wanted to do, my mom would ask me, "What do you love doing?"  I thought about the few college classes I've taken, and what I enjoyed most about my fall classes was the literature I was required to read.  Also, when I was in junior and high school, my guilty pleasure was doing sentence diagrams. (I was a nerd...I'm still a nerd.  At least I accept it now.)
• I love English jokes. (courtesy of Pinterest)

...you balance it out with a happy post.

I don't want to be a Debby-downer all the time, so I'll do a happy post to balance out that last, angsty one. Opposition in all things, right?
I will now proceed to list 15 things that make me happy/smile/want to melt (not necessarily in any particular order).

Let's start with the basics...

1.  My Heavenly Father and My Savior.  The two greatest people who love and support me (in my good efforts) like no one else.

2.  My Family (Maggie included).  They drive me crazy when I'm around them, but when I get breaks away from them, I miss them like crazy.  Either way, they're crazy.

3.  Studying the scriptures...actually getting into them and enjoying them.

4.  Chocolate.  Specifically dark.  I love the way dark chocolate snaps when you break it...because I'm odd like that.

Now for the less general and less common items...

5.  Fuzzy socks.

6.  Climbing into a freshly made bed. There are very few things that make me happier.

7.  Getting a letter in the mail. I'm old school in a lot of my ways.

8.  Outrageously cheesy romance scenes...happening to me.  I dream of spontaneously dancing in the rain or being passionately kissed after an argument about love (thank you, It's a Wonderful Life).

9.  Domestically cultivating myself.  I would have never, NEVER said this even just a year ago, but I feel somewhat accomplished when I learn a new skill.  I've been surprising my family with what I can do food-wise (which isn't much now, but much better than what I was able to do before I was forced to cook for myself).

10. Pearls.  Pearls are this girl's best friend.

11.  High fives.  Gotta love the awkwardness that comes with them.

12.  Going to the temple.  I'd sit in the temple in Rexburg during a hectic week and not let time or homework bother me.  So relaxing and uplifting...I miss it.

13.  Late night conversations.  And I mean late...

14.  Little towns.  I'm not a big city person at all.  Even Fort Smith annoys me sometimes.  Just give me a town with a Walmart, gas station, and frozen yogurt shop, and I'll call it "home".

15.  The way my parents love each other.  If the best thing a dad can do for his daughter is love her mother, then my dad deserves a "#1 Dad" mug, t-shirt, and hat.  (I'm sure he has at least one of those things somewhere).  The same goes for my mom.   I think the reason they're still in love is because they make each other's comforts their main concern.  I want that, but I won't admit it to them because it's sick when they publicly display their affection.

...you want to be beautiful.

Some days, I look in the mirror and wish desperately I could like the reflection.  But most days I don't.  My birthday wish was to feel beautiful.  I even prayed for it.

I look back at my earlier teenage years (I'm in my last one!), and realize, though, that I have come a long way.  It's weird putting all this up here because I've never talked to someone about it in such detail...but whatevs.

When I began junior high, it got to the point to where I refused to look into mirrors.  I was 5'4", 120 pounds (a completely reasonable size, right?), but I thought that I was the fattest person at my school.  I really, truly did.  I hid behind jackets and sweatshirts.  I kept my frizzy hair in a tight ponytail because I felt like it was helpless.  I had horrible acne, and I swear, no one else in my school had any.  It doesn't make sense with all of us starting puberty at that age, but where ever I looked, I only saw flawless skin.  I let what those flawless-skinned-freaks-of-nature would say to me sink in too much.

During high school, it got a little bit better.  I didn't feel like I was the biggest person in my class, but I did feel like I needed to lose 20 pounds.  I still had the acne, but I could look in a mirror...until someone prettier came into the restroom.  I had a boyfriend who would sometimes tell me I was beautiful.  I would believe it, but not much later, I'd be back in my low self-esteem rut.  It's like how Claire from Elizabethtown puts it.  Compliments like that are ice cream cones.  "Something sweet that melts in five minutes."

When I started my first semester of college at BYU-Idaho in September, I was still in the basic mindset as I was in high school.  However, I gained wonderful friends there who were constantly telling me I looked nice and constantly pointing out my good qualities.  I met a guy who somehow thought I was cute, so I quickly snatched him up.  He was another that made me feel like maybe I was at least okay-looking.

I came back to Arkansas in December.  All the feelings of high school have come back in a very bitter bite of nostalgia.  I have no classes, no job, and only a few friends, thus all the time in the world to selfishly dwell on myself.  (I realize that's not my only option, so I'm working on spending that time more wisely.)

So is the key to feeling beautiful having people tell you that you are?  If it is, life sucks even more.  I want to feel beautiful without having to rely on others.  I want to feel like I'm worth something without having someone to tell me that I am.  I'm basically an adult now, an independent person (in only a few ways...but independent, nonetheless).  Why should I have to depend on others to be happy?  It just doesn't make sense.

That's what has been on my mind lately.  I wonder what exactly is considered beautiful.  I almost want to do a survey of what people honestly think, not the "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder," or "Everyone is beautiful in their own way," crap.  Real, honest answers.

I've been on this beauty-kick for a while now.  I've even gotten to the point to where I look up conference talks about beauty.  They say we (mostly talking to women) need to learn to accept and love ourselves, but how that is achieved is beyond me.  What do I need to do to look into the mirror and be able to tell myself that I am beautiful and believe it for longer than an ice cream cone's worth of time?

Maybe someday I'll find the answer.

{Disclaimer:  This is not a call for compliments.  This is me venting.  Nothing else.}