Some days, I look in the mirror and wish desperately I could like the reflection. But most days I don't. My birthday wish was to feel beautiful. I even prayed for it.
I look back at my earlier teenage years (I'm in my last one!), and realize, though, that I have come a long way. It's weird putting all this up here because I've never talked to someone about it in such detail...but whatevs.
When I began junior high, it got to the point to where I refused to look into mirrors. I was 5'4", 120 pounds (a completely reasonable size, right?), but I thought that I was the fattest person at my school. I really, truly did. I hid behind jackets and sweatshirts. I kept my frizzy hair in a tight ponytail because I felt like it was helpless. I had horrible acne, and I swear, no one else in my school had any. It doesn't make sense with all of us starting puberty at that age, but where ever I looked, I only saw flawless skin. I let what those flawless-skinned-freaks-of-nature would say to me sink in too much.
During high school, it got a little bit better. I didn't feel like I was the biggest person in my class, but I did feel like I needed to lose 20 pounds. I still had the acne, but I could look in a mirror...until someone prettier came into the restroom. I had a boyfriend who would sometimes tell me I was beautiful. I would believe it, but not much later, I'd be back in my low self-esteem rut. It's like how Claire from Elizabethtown puts it. Compliments like that are ice cream cones. "Something sweet that melts in five minutes."
When I started my first semester of college at BYU-Idaho in September, I was still in the basic mindset as I was in high school. However, I gained wonderful friends there who were constantly telling me I looked nice and constantly pointing out my good qualities. I met a guy who somehow thought I was cute, so I quickly snatched him up. He was another that made me feel like maybe I was at least okay-looking.
I came back to Arkansas in December. All the feelings of high school have come back in a very bitter bite of nostalgia. I have no classes, no job, and only a few friends, thus all the time in the world to selfishly dwell on myself. (I realize that's not my only option, so I'm working on spending that time more wisely.)
So is the key to feeling beautiful having people tell you that you are? If it is, life sucks even more. I want to feel beautiful without having to rely on others. I want to feel like I'm worth something without having someone to tell me that I am. I'm basically an adult now, an independent person (in only a few ways...but independent, nonetheless). Why should I have to depend on others to be happy? It just doesn't make sense.
That's what has been on my mind lately. I wonder what exactly is considered beautiful. I almost want to do a survey of what people honestly think, not the "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder," or "Everyone is beautiful in their own way," crap. Real, honest answers.
I've been on this beauty-kick for a while now. I've even gotten to the point to where I look up conference talks about beauty. They say we (mostly talking to women) need to learn to accept and love ourselves, but how that is achieved is beyond me. What do I need to do to look into the mirror and be able to tell myself that I am beautiful and believe it for longer than an ice cream cone's worth of time?
Maybe someday I'll find the answer.
{Disclaimer: This is not a call for compliments. This is me venting. Nothing else.}
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